Emotional regulation has become something of a catchphrase when it comes to nervous system talk, but “regulation” is not a term I like to use, simply because I think it gives us the wrong idea of what we’re aiming for.
Being a word nerd, I look up its root meaning just now and what flashed up was this:
“To regulate something means to control or govern it, typically by establishing rules or standards. It can also involve adjusting something to a desired level or standard, like regulating the temperature in a room using a thermostat. In essence, regulation is about bringing something under control, either by applying rules or by adjusting it to achieve a specific outcome.”
On the face of it, being able to control our emotions- to regulate them- seems wildly attractive and something that we should all be aiming towards. After all, if our emotional experience has a tendency to leave us feeling out of control, then isn’t bringing them under control the obvious next step?
Well, no. For the simple reason that it’s actually not possible (welcome to being human!).
Having a free ranging and expansive emotional experience is essential to a vital and expressive life—and certainly a life that is available for connection with another living being.
But what we’re seeking is adaptability not control. A state of being where our brain and body are responding to the reality of the moment, and meeting that in a way that connects us with our agency and voice. Where we can advocate for ourselves, even in the midst of uncomfortability (yes, you are correct, that is a made up word and you are welcome).
If we rest in the place of true adaptability, we understand emotional “regulation” not to be controlling how we feel, but choosing how we respond. And choosing how we respond involves developing our capacity for holding our experience without it pulling us into a unhelpful place.
What does it mean to be pulled into an unhelpful place?
Well, thought patterns can pull us into sympathetic or fight flight cycles. So, for the sake of example, let’s say that you are in the midst of an emotional experience that is causing a lot of physical sensations.
On the face of it, sensation is the language of emotion. It’s essentially benign. But if you associate that physical experience with something alarming, you can create a fight flight experience, even if the context of the situation (the reality of the moment) doesn’t warrant it.
This space—between the physical experience of the emotion and the action that follows—is where choice lives.
The more we can hold the physicality of the our emotions the greater our choices become, and the more intentionally we can live and be in the world.
So let’s let go of regulation and consider what it means to be adaptable instead.
xx Jane
PS. If you’re looking for help with that whole business of capacity and not pulling yourself into unhelpful places, JoyRide is absolutely the place for you. The intro pathway, Meeting The Reality Of The Moment (A 28 Day Challenge), deals with exactly that!
