Well, this year has been quite the time. There’s been stuff come up which has never really crossed your radar in terms of being on your “things I will probably have to deal with” list, and at times, we could generously describe it as being “challenging”.
You went away to teach at a clinic in Australia and the night before you arrived home, the first of the compulsory self-isolations for COVID began.
You joked in the beginning that the restrictions were not so far off your normal life, with perhaps a 0.5 % difference in social contact, but nonetheless, it was a very strange feeling. You found yourself getting a bit emotional when the text message came through from the government, complete with alarm sounds- all the bells and whistles- and found yourself caught in a moment of nostalgia that was not really yours to own, of all the people that had come before you that had found themselves in the midst of hard times or unimaginable circumstances, all the while being aware that you were in fact, safe, and what was happening was nothing more than a precaution.
The uncertainty is perhaps what has been the hardest, and all at the same time, the biggest blessing. You have learned that in fact, this paradox is something that exists in everything, and is most true when it comes to matters of the heart and mind.
Fear and courage, for example, exist in relationship.
Excitement and trepidation do also.
Gratitude and loss.
It occurred to you that we often wait to feel one in the absence of the other, when in fact, they are both born from the same seed and exist as a mutually dependent pair.
You have learned- or perhaps it’s more accurate to say- got better at holding the feeling of uncertainty in your body. And you now know that your ability to hold uncertainty is directly proportionate to your level of self-trust.
The voice that says, we believe that whatever comes up, you can handle it, is the voice that allows you to contain uncertainty within the edges of your skin without needing to grasp or grab for an answer that is nothing more than a shadow anyway.
Self-trust is the antidote for many things, and certainly, when it comes to uncertainty, it’s the practice that you continue to turn to.